Emotional Wholeness

Recently, my mind has been occupied by the question of “what is being emotionally stable”.

As I reflect on my past, and in turn, the past I created for my children, I have moments of pride, and perhaps more moments of regret. What could I have done to give my children a more secure upbringing?

First, I realize that my choices were reflective of my past. AND it goes on, and on, and on! The generational impact is strong. Is it something anyone can overcome? Patterns established as a child seem to continue into adulthood. Why did I not think of this when my children were young? OR, perhaps before they were born?

Observation leads me to believe that all of us approach life with an incredible amount of naivety. There are so many “what ifs” as we look back. Is that a healthy approach to mental stability? Perhaps not. BUT, are there lessons to learn? Words, actions, thoughts. My brain races. Let me continue.

I am grateful for my parents. They parented well. I had very little restriction, but lots of guidance. Choices came easy for me. The impact of that parental skill has given me the ability to discipline myself and look at life in a positive manner because I have some control of my existence. At an early age I chose to align myself with a faith in God. I have never waivered. With that, I thank God for the forgiveness he grants each of us because I have made some whopping mistakes. My choices. I reaped the consequence.

The generational gap is what concerns me. I am now old. My sons are growing old. My grandchildren are reaching adulthood. What have I done to secure their emotional wholeness? And then, I ask, what does that mean? Does it even exist?

Do we all just make it through life, stumbling along the way? Why can’t one generation understand the other? Why can’t we learn from one another and make REAL progress? The only answer I can come up with is that love seems to conquer the differences. Not prejudices, skewed expectations, differences, judgments or disappointments.

I have chosen to open my heart to a variety of people. I cherish their differences without judgment. However, I continue to have opinions. And for whatever reason, no one cares about my opinion. No one asks, no one listens. Does age and experience not have any value? Each of us continues on this bumpy path with deaf ears. I just now am beginning to understand my own parents. Maybe.

Am I emotionally stable? I make choices, take care of myself, and continue to observe life. I laugh, have fun, have had a successful career, have friends and enjoy a good marriage. I am saddened by others’ troubles. If I look around me and compare myself, I guess I’m ok. But there are those days I question: WHY did I do that? Or say that?

Ain’t life great?

Who Am I? Another year of asking the same question…..

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I have re-read some of my posts regarding this same subject. Here is what I jotted down this morning and it was surprisingly similar to last year! NEW GOAL: Find new goals!!

It must be the “aging” process. Frequently I find myself reassessing my actions, and those actions of the past. Reading is a big part of my life and the subject most frequently chosen is about forgiving, or fear. Maybe that is indicative of my mental state.

I know my children are assessing my actions. It’s a normal thought process for children to be “watching Mom’s behavior”. Is she going down hill mentally? Did she forget something? Was her conversation showing signs of forgetfulness? I get it. I did the same thing with my own parents. However, it doesn’t make reality any easier. I have suddenly decided that getting old is NOT fun. So, the real question is: how do I gracefully attack old age? AND: Who Am I?

First decision: Always look good. I just might fool someone! That goal has sometimes been shattered when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror—or a picture was snapped when I hadn’t posed properly. Wrinkles, fat rolls, an unattractive frown. But I must keep trying!
Second decision: Eat healthy. I fail so frequently. In spite of all good intentions, sugar beckons me. A new goal: no, it’s not new. It’s today’s goal. I read about the effects of eating foods with good nutrition and it might stave off memory problems. Yes, that’s today’s goal. Get smart woman!

Third decision: Stay active physically. Let me say right here….this body does not WANT to move. I need to wiggle, stretch, walk, and breathe. I know what needs to be done to stay alive and vibrant. I know! This is why rich folk hire personal trainers. But, because I’m NOT rich, I must “pull up my big girl panties” and get with the program.

Fourth decision: Quit beating myself up for my past. This one cripples my thinking. I am learning how to train my brain. I read, comprehend, and pray fervently. I am getting there. Let me explain: I know who I am based on my response to my partner. My children’s father was intelligent and a wonderful challenge for me. I became strong. Conflict was our MO. My partner today is kind, compassionate, giving, and goal oriented. Disciplined. I am a totally different person with each of them. That’s why I am now asking “who are you, woman”? Each partner has brought out something entirely different in me. Guess what? I like both of me. I have just now come to that decision. I “was” and now I “am”.

Final Decision: I like me. AND I like who I was. I have no reason to beat myself up. I responded the way I knew how.

Today: My faith sustains me. I am getting old, I lose words in a conversation, my bones ache some days, but I choose to continue to live and love. Message to my children: it’s ok to be honest with me when I fail. But it’s not ok to ignore me, forget me, or shame me. I have a responsibility to you, and it’s to be an example of “how to age”….because you’re getting there too! Not that far behind me. Oh joy!!

Sliding in to Eighty New Year’s Day 2019

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New Year’s Day, 2019

The original “slide into seventy” is now a slide into eighty. This is what it feels like:

There are thoughts and emotions that don’t occur when one is young. (Young, meaning there are many expected years ahead.) I don’t feel old, until I catch an unanticipated sight of myself in a mirror. It’s a different face. Lines, drooping eyelids, slight sadness to my face. Who is this person?

There is a tendency now to look back at my life. I want to focus on a future….what can I achieve today or tomorrow, but sometimes it takes a strong determination to keep my brain moving in the right direction. I am proud of who I have been, and what I have become. I am strong. I believe I am strong because of a faith in my Creator. I believe He cares for me, and wants me to be with Him eternally. With that mindset, I can face anything in life. I see my weaknesses clearly. Sometimes I fail to see the needs of those around me. That bothers me. I can be abrupt, harsh, and too outspoken. It is sometimes hurtful. I am working on being kind, thoughtful, and caring.

I hesitate to use the word “fear”. There are lurking fears, however. When any fear arises, I make a purposeful attempt at understanding my faith, once again. God is with me. Understands me, and wants what is best for me. But I am human. I don’t want to get old, lose my memory (like my own mother), or lose my family. My children, and their children, make my heart sing. I love them with every ounce of my being. I loved my children’s father. I love my husband. I have many friends from church, clubs, my profession, neighbors, etc. If I should lose any one of these people, I would be hurt.

I wish (in hindsight)

….there had been more conversations with my own parents regarding their thoughts as they aged.

….there had been more touching as I grew up; i.e., hugs, hand holding, closeness.

….there could have been more understanding in my marriage to my children’s father.

….I had been stronger as a young woman…..stating my beliefs and abiding by them.

I NOW want:

…..to really know my children and be able to communicate with them. (this includes step-children).

…..to be an example of living wisely.

…..to be a blessing to those around me. (with a special emphasis on my husband!)

…..to share my talents (music, art, etc.)

…..AND to remember where in the heck I put stuff! This idea of setting something down and not remembering is troublesome, to say the least. I do not multi-task like I used to. Lord help me!

Was that me?

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Was that me?…….so many years ago??

Youth, middle age, older and elderly. Having passed most of these life stages (that’s what sliding into seventy was all about) I have opinions. AND, no one cares. I have asked myself if I was so thoughtless not so long ago?

I can huff and puff every day about “this and that” and believe I have valid thoughts. Sanity has not escaped me: YET. However, as I look around it appears that sanity has escaped a lot of folks in our world.

Here’s the way it works for me: I have lived 75 years. Raised in a very secure family setting; but an only child. Not spoiled, made to work for what I wanted. Given strong guidance, but forced to make my own decisions. My parents probably worried a lot about my choices. Just like I watch my children and think about their choices. Why did they do something…..wouldn’t a different way get better results? Etc.

Everett and I have four sons. Two his, two mine. Our children are responsible citizens. We are proud of them. We respect their right to view life within their culture. It’s entirely different from our generational philosophies.

When we were younger and raising our families were we listening to our elders? No. We wanted the right to choose our own pathway. We made mistakes, and made some good decisions. What if we had listened to those who had gone before us? We’ll never know. It’s the way humanity moves through time.

My point is this: everything we have done in our past is forever imprinted in our brain. Nothing can be erased. Everyday that past is replayed. Sometimes it makes our decision making easier, sometimes more difficult. Always the question: what if I had done “this or that”….what would it have done to my future? What if I had sought outside opinions…..and listened? And acted accordingly? Wouldn’t that experience be good for someone else to help their life?

The outcome for me has been good, in spite of the mistakes. I have wonderful children and grandchildren who love me. (not sure about the respect part); their Dad adored each of them; he stuck with me through the good and the bad. Today I have a wonderful life with a good man. I don’t think my kids worry about taking care of me…..only where the house key is in case we don’t make it home!

So many years ago….was I so thoughtless towards my elders? In so many areas of our culture the older generation is ignored. I remember thinking that my Dad was entirely too opinionated. Not open minded. Today I am opinionated. 75 years worth of experience all rolled into one brain.

We have a culture that doesn’t care and will repeat the same mistakes over and over. I guess that’s the way it has always been. Each generation has to learn for themselves. There ought to be a book about some guidelines that would make us smarter. Oh, guess there is……….

Self-Discipline

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As thoughts take hold in this old, old brain, I have come to a conclusion. This conclusion is based on observation: of myself, my family, those in my community, and people I watch from afar.

My life struggle is with discipline. Self discipline. How do I become what I believe is right for me. I am most pleased with myself when I have achieved what I set out to do. For instance; did I make the bed? Does the living room look neat when I walk in to get my morning coffee? Is my underwear drawer neat and tidy? Don’t laugh—these are things that make my day! I feel good with organization around me—my mind is more clear and thoughts come more quickly when my surroundings are in order. Maybe that’s why I clean house before I go on vacation—I want to walk into a tidy home upon my return. It feels good—not frantic.

These examples are trivial, because my life is also made up of huge decisions based upon my capability to follow through with personal discipline. Everyone is different, I readily admit. I admire those who have accomplished beyond what anyone could have anticipated. For instance, those who have physical or mental “disability” but achieve greatness; others who struggle with early childhood trauma and yet overcome to become a great asset to others. These people have made giant strides in self-discipline to become persons of value to themselves and society.

As a woman, business woman, wife, mother, citizen—all of my labels; I believe in my ability to choose. My life takes the direction I choose. I walk out my front door looking like the person I am proud to be.

My observations regarding the lack of self discipline can be summed up with these words: chaos, trauma, lack of peace, low self esteem, disorder, goals not met, hatred, guilt, anxiety, ugly attitude…………and the list goes on and on.

I don’t have answers on how to insert the chip of self disciple into our brains….can we hope for it, buy it, steal it……why do some have it, and not others? Choice?

Of course, this leads to the next subject…..what is the difference between judgment and evaluation? Thinking, thinking………..

Contentment

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Finally, looking BACK, I know why I have been always HAPPY! My heart sings.

To clarify, there have been a few periods of time in my life when the song disappeared. I couldn’t identify what was wrong. Circumstances weren’t creating the unrest, but the song was gone.

In spite of life’s challenges, I have always known that the song needed to be sung. It registered with my face, my choices, actions and decisions. My life has not been one that others would look at and say “oh my, she has accomplished so much”…..nor would they say “look at what she has overcome!” I’m not a poster child.

Regardless of where I have been in my life…..early marriage, children, working world, caretaker…..there was an underlying joy. I have a deep seated peace. I believe, with every dna cell in me, that God rules my life. He loves me, wants the very best for me. In every circumstance I can rejoice. There is meaning to my life—wherever I am planted. I cannot control what happens to me—-but I can control my choices. This makes me strong, in the Lord.

I am content. God has given me contentment. The Holy Spirit abides within me and the joy is ever present. For those few moments I couldn’t recognize that joy, it returns when I turn my eyes back to His glory! I bubble up inside with laughter. Music is my special language—straight to heaven.

Life changes. Quickly. However, the road ahead is always clear. Contentment comes with a knowledge of God’s love and care for me. I can’t guarantee that there’s a plan…..but it sure seems that way! Some days I need my “God glasses” on to see that the road is clear…. CLEAR. At 75 years of age, finally I know why my heart sings…..I trust in Him. Unrest is not necessary.

I am content.

A Brief Commentary on Church Music

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While it could be said that we are “old”, “stuck in our ways”, and “unrelenting in our opinions”, we would like to state our beliefs regarding the music in current day churches. No one church can be singled out; in our experience the trend of limited hymns and the ever-increasing use of contemporary music is prevalent in most protestant churches.

We cherish the relevance of the message in hymns. The theology, Biblical truths, inspiration, admonishments, praise, reverence, and bonding are what hymns bring to the Christian worshiper.

When we are asked to “picture the Holy Spirit” in a church service, perhaps we need to ask how could there be a bonding experience which allows the participant to verbally express the “feeling”. Hymns allow for a more authentic response of emotional expression. We want the words to be in our head and heart, and mouth, because they allow us to articulate the good news of Christ’s gospel.

Are the churches of today achieving their goal of communal worship? Are we being invited to sing in a manner we can follow and feel somewhat confident? Unity and harmonious worship is not being achieved by performers chanting new, and newer, simple sentences, over and over again. Many times the worshiper listens (and is expected to participate) to a variety of contemporary songs, with no idea of changing tones, how to harmonize, when to sing or not sing. Oh my, heaven forbid, the screen projector misses a page change! What to do; what to do? Hum…..smile…..look perplexed? Where is our unity? Personally, we don’t want to struggle with the notes and be consistently involved in a guessing game. Looking around the congregation, there is a sense that the guessing game is frustrating for most.

There is an extreme need in today’s culture for a display of social consciousness. The traditional hymn relates the way our faith should radically impact the way we relate to our world. Hymns are written for group singing. They are not intended for individual performance, but group reinforcement. Hymnody is a diverse and unbiased collection, adopting the best of every generation. The message of the hymn is the voice of the people, instead of the congregation’s entertainment.

The purpose of music in our churches is NOT to attract unbelievers. A hymn does not mimic present day music style, by word or note. Generations of Christians should be able to worship in this sensory experience. Our purpose is to come together as His children; singing, speaking, preaching and praying that “old, old story” so that we can be remade further into Christ’s likeness. The complete picture of our worship is to bring the saints of old, the current and future child of God into one understanding. It’s not about simply wanting more tradition in our Sunday morning experience, it’s about saving the wealth of wisdom so desperately needed in today’s social and church culture.

Is it any wonder our churches are suffering declining attendance. Doesn’t the church propose to be for the worshiper…..isn’t it OUR church? Why then, are we not participating? Are we, as a congregation, failing the leadership; or is the leadership failing the worshiper? The basics of worship have been forgotten. The joy of hearing a congregation joyfully sing God’s praises is inspirational. We hunger for the words and music expressing our deep faith. We long for an environment that evokes our real, heartfelt and vocal participation.

From Time to Time…

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I think about my past. There is the awareness that it is not only MY past, but those of all I touched. First, my children. What impact did I have on them? Was it good, or as good as possible under human circumstances? My friends…..did they see me as an example of living wisely? Business associates? Was I someone they could follow, seek advice, and respect? My husband….would he have had a “better” life had his wife been someone else?
Dear God……..I am humbled by these memories. What can I do to erase the mistakes? I desire to be strong, make wise choices, be an example to my children and grandchildren and have those around me respect who I have become.
Today I look forward. The past is gone forever….or is it? The results of everything I have chosen, exists today. I am seeing that today’s choices take me down a road and sometimes there is no turn around on that road. Let me explain.

Marriage. I have always believed it was a FOREVER choice. I lived that life. Children. I chose to have my cherished children; they are still my life. Should they or my grandchildren be ripped from me, I feel part of me would die. Career. I have remained true to my chosen work and it has supported me financially and emotionally. Faith in God. The choice like no other. The guidelines set before me are the principles upon which all choices are made.

Let me return to the first: marriage. So frequently I look back over 51 years. It happens in my brain without effort. It ruled how I breathed every day. Those who observed me, even my children and family members, will never know (nor should they) how my marriage functioned. I didn’t know any different. As I look back I have questions about how I should have responded to my partner, choices I made, and how did it affect my children. Now I’m a parent, observing my children’s marriages. I even remember how my parents lived together. I have fewer answers than ever before. But this I know: today I am happy. I have a husband who cherishes me. Observes and cares for me and allows me to cherish and nurture him. Is this a result of our age? Oh, we dream…..maybe we’re wiser and smarter.

Time has passed, and hopefully there is more time to live and observe. That’s all I know how to do: observe. Listen my children….and you shall hear. Watch, be mindful. Be strong in your convictions. Weakness is NOT an option. Choose life….life filled with adventure, laughter, joy, and “deep down” peace. Seek goodness!

Advice from Grandma on How to Choose a Husband

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My dearest girls; someday you will be faced with making a very important decision. Your life partner. I pray for you continually, knowing you will fall in love and ask “is this the right one”? I pray you know that YOU choose, YOU are in control of yourself, and YOU will never feel pressured to make a questionable decision.

If I could talk with you honestly, when the time comes, this is what I would say.( I pray, of course, I see all four of you enjoy a successful adult life, however, we never know when God might call me home to be with Him.)

Here’s a little background on your Grandmother’s life: I was engaged as a young woman to a very nice young man. We went to the same church and enjoyed dating for three years before deciding to marry. Several months before our marriage I decided he was not the right partner. My father (your great-grandfather) very wisely said to me “just remember, this is a decision to last a lifetime”). Hmmm. Let me tell you about Ron. He was kind, moral, sweet, thoughtful, and fun. However, I believed I wanted someone who was ambitious, intelligent, goal driven, and one with whom I could share my love of music.
Shortly after, I met your Grandfather. Jim was everything I wanted in a husband. Oh, he was so good looking! I loved red headed fellows. He had exciting goals, came from an affluent business family, had a beautiful singing voice, played the trombone with great skill, and he was intelligent. We quickly decided to get married. Our beautiful church wedding was the day AFTER President John Kennedy was assassinated. We were married for over 51 years. ALL marriages have struggles and joys. Ours was no different. When Grandpa passed away, I had no intention of finding another partner. God had another plan!

The amazing love story that came about because I answered a real estate call will go down as the most beautiful story imaginable (at least we think so!). When I so emphatically stated that “I would not ever marry again” a dear friend suggested that I should not put a stop to something God might have for me. With that advice, I made a list of my needs: AND this time they were very different from the first list. I wanted a man with character. Honest, moral, reliable, trustworthy, faithful. You might laugh at the rest of my list; clean, ambitious, creative, sense of humor, weight conscious, NO alcohol, smoking, or pets. Financially organized and we must share compatible life goals. Most importantly, we must share a common faith. I secretly thought God could not provide such a partner and I would remain single. That was ok with me. Then I met a red headed man (actually, his hair was not nearly as red as when I knew him in school!) Yes, we had gone to school together. Everett met my every need, and it was another quick decision.

All of the history to say this: there are some traits we can accept, some not. Finally, here’s my advice. Number one —this is a DEAL BREAKER: can you trust this man? Is there any hint that he could be deceitful, secretive, or ashamed of his own behaviors? Open your eyes, look at him honestly. Without emotion. Create your list of “must haves”; know where you can compromise (after all, shoes left all over the house could be a deal breaker, or simply a trait you will find charming), and be honest with yourself. This is a life time decision. Even if you decide to go separate ways, your life will forever have the imprint of your choice. Here’s another check list; does yours’ match at all?

1. Clean. Smells nice. You believe you could love “that” face forever even when he’s old.
2. Ambitious (You should not have to support him financially)
3. Do you share common goals for your life?
4. Is he truthful? Timely and prompt? Nice to other people? (Not a smart ass—yes I said that!)
5. Another deal breaker…….do you share the goal for a future family—if not, are you in agreement? Is he kind to children and animals?
6. Make your list! Check it off honestly. Make a logical decision and then let your heart follow.

BEEN THERE, AND DONE IT TWICE!

Love to Allie, Katie, Alaura and Moira
Grandma

Know Me, Validate Me, or Ignore Me?

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As always, I hope my words are heard. By someone, somewhere. Life brings experiences that hopefully strengthens the individual and grants moral character development. Am I so self centered that I believe my experiences should benefit my off spring? Sigh……

Frequently, the conversation around the traditional morning coffee is this: “do our kids understand; do they care; what can we do to enhance their lives; what is our responsibility to share wisdom as we see it; and the big question again is DO THEY EVEN CARE?”

Being in a second marriage has been quite the experience. Understandings and acceptances of life are met with a new awareness. There have been situations in my past that were generally accepted as “normal”, however, upon seeing a different lifestyle, normal is always a choice. Choosing how to live, how to choose priorities and why!

I have lived a life that was centered around giving of myself to others. This has not been wrong. In hindsight, this attitude works very well if someone else is also giving of themselves towards the “giver”. A one-sided giving relationship is draining. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I don’t completely understand why some children are givers, from the very start. Others struggle with being self-focusing and merely self surviving. I study Kohlberg and many other philosophers looking for answers. I do “get it” in many cases. So many factors to consider: small life experiences, big life experiences, and DNA!

There are no conclusions for me today. I have lived with trauma. Hasn’t everyone? There are so many questions as I reach into my 70’s. Seventy three. The sliding is over, I have jumped right in.

Here are my priorities AGAIN. My family. Two sons, their wives. FOUR granddaughters. My additional family: two more sons, their wives. TWO grandsons. Do they know me? Does their love for me validate my existence? On occasion we wonder about an older generation’s state of being ignored. Is that the normal pathway of getting older? My daily priority: my loving, giving husband. I have been blessed. Do my children see how blessed I am?

Dear children….I remember my Dad saying this, “my elderly mother in law said to me one day, Verne, when you are my age, you will understand”. When my Dad was old he repeated that to me….”some day when you are old, you will understand”. Some things I do, Dad, and some things remain a mystery. The truth is, some things I don’t want to understand. Maybe that’s the answer.