Youth rarely considers the concept of death. The older we are, the more likely our passing from this life will become very real. Some fret, panic and fear. Others may welcome the relief of death.

I live with a very different man. He has overcome multiple health issues, always with a drive to live life at its’ fullest. He has never considered death an option. Heart transplant, gallbladder, thyroid, and multiple cancer surgeries….nothing has sent him the message….you are not going to live forever! Even when he had no voice box, he learned to speak again. There was always a way around, the adventure was the challenge.

Pain. Until recently he didn’t even understand what others felt. Cancer is the killer. Watching my husband fall into the depths of cancer pain, I am torn apart. My reality is this: I hurt for him. However, I also have very selfish emotions. What am I going to do without my husband of over 51 years? We were teenagers when we married. Life has not been easy, the relationship not always rosy, but we always knew we were meant to be together. Like magnets, in a crowd, we were drawn to each other. If we saw one another heading two different ways in our own car….it was a treat to see one another and wave. We each agreed that pulling into the garage was special when the other’s car was already there.

Yesterday. A conversation with one of the doctors led us both to face reality. There isn’t much more medicine can do to stop the cancer. One last effort to maybe slow the cancer, put off death a little longer. But, how long? I know others have gone through what we are facing…..time and time again. This time, however, it’s US. I commented yesterday that he was going to leave and I had to pick up the pieces. Then I felt so selfish. How could I be so crass? He’s in pain and miserable. One time I had asked him “what will I do without you?” and his reply was simply “you will be a gracious and strong woman”. Well, wasn’t that a nice thing to say? Except yesterday as I had my first good cry, I blurted out the same selfish question “what am I going to do without you”……his reply was “well figure it out”! THEN it dawned on me; he was facing his own death and going through some normal stages. He’s angry.

Now I get it. We all face our own demise. Alone. Or alone with our Heavenly Father. I cannot walk this road with my husband, he has to go this one alone. Death come a’knockin’. Or, maybe this will be another act of defying death. This is God’s plan, and I’m along for the ride.