Those who know me well will report that I am usually stoic. I have often wondered if I “stuffed” emotion as a youth, or has the fear of being too emotional created my stoicism as an adult. Perhaps a combination of all my experiences.

Maybe my self reflection will help my granddaughters some day. I recall when a dear family friend died. I was probably 13 or 14 years old. Sitting on our living room couch I watched the hearse come to the neighboring home. I sat very still and decided if I could make it through this experience without crying, I could get through anything. Now I wonder why it wasn’t ok for me to cry. I remember coming home from school on many occasions and finding my mother in her bedroom crying. Now I recognize the signs of her serious depression, followed by Alzheimer’s. I decided I would not like to be like my mother. I’m still slightly offended when someone says I look like her.

Throughout my adult life I could put on an acceptable public face. Tough ‘ole broad…one client said! Today I have to face the possibility of being without my husband of over 51 years. My emotions are raw. For whatever reason, I have decided that this must be faced by me with complete emotional honesty. I am painfully aware I do not want to lay my emotional burden on those who either don’t care or are not affected by my eventual loss. But I choose to feel my hurt, pain, anger, and deep sorrow. Bring on the tissue!