The cards have dwindled to one or two a day. Two baskets are full of sympathy greetings to prove that the mail carried the thoughts and prayers of many friends and acquaintances. The funeral director has been paid, friends have returned to their homes across the miles. The computer programs, codes and pass words accessed to live life again.
It is, indeed, the morning after. My red-headed warrior has gone to be with his Lord and Savior. We talked about him seeing his Dad again. I said “our baby that we never knew—you will get to meet our child before me!” It’s our hope, belief, and faith—all rolled into one last breathe. I held him, stroked his face and head, talked to Jesus, as JR left our presence. My nick name for him, over the years, had been JR. It fit him. Deacon Dan made a comment at the gathering to honor Jim. You know the turn-abouts at various intersections? There’s always the skid marks right up the middle……that’s Jim! So many memories. He believed in forging ahead—regardless of the obstacles. Fifty one years of memories. This is the morning after.
The last few weeks of Jim’s life were grueling. Cancer is ugly, the treatments worse. He never recovered from the radiation or the last chemotherapy. There was never an admission that death was near. In some ways, he was being strong for his family. In other ways, the inability to prepare us was difficult. We couldn’t say what was on our minds, because it was rejected. Here are a few of the words of wisdom that slipped out. I had to grab them, hang on, and capture what he was really telling me.
Because he could not speak, these pearls were written on his tablet app. “Now Linda, you are going to need lots of friends, lots of friends, but that doesn’t mean you have to take your clothes off for them”! “Never, never, never, never give up”! “Live, go live”. After one very frustrating moment, I asked him, “what am I going to do without you”……he replied “you will be a strong and gracious woman”. However the next time that question slipped out he was disturbed with me “you’ll figure it out”!
There were other reminders, such as “live in the house at least a year”, and “you deserve that car, don’t sell it”. When reality hit, finances became an issue….the house and car have to go. In Jim’s last few months he had made poor decisions in the stock market, tried to fix items that he damaged beyond repair, and refused to discuss any of the finances with me. I will never forget one of his typed messages to me near the end “I’ve been a lousy father and husband, will you forgive me”. Of course, I replied. I knew he was reflecting on some of our struggles. Struggles that we came through because we were devoted to one another, loved each other beyond what words could describe, and determined to stay together until death took one of us. And now, it’s the morning after.
He made me laugh, he was my rock. He encouraged me, hounded me, and told me what to do. Much to our dismay, he TRIED to tell me what to do. I watched this big hunk of a man seek God, struggling with answers, and finding his salvation in Jesus Christ. I was privileged to have been the wife of James Richard Miller. And now, it’s the next month………….