Someday, my dear children, you might only read about your grandmother. Perhaps someone will be able to tell you stories about who I was. My prayer is that you learn about life from those who have gone before you, and make your decisions based on wisdom. My life has taken an abrupt turn and I would like to discuss it with you.
You will be faced with many choices in your life. We always hope that once we figure out a choice was not the best, we can back track and “fix” the situation. Sometimes we do, other times; it’s not possible. For example, driving recklessly can result in accidents that injure or kill. There is no going back. Or, eating something we know is not healthy usually can be rectified by choosing better foods the next day. Of course, continuing unhealthy or unwise actions results in habits and pathways that are difficult to change. I know.
I have asked myself many times if there is any way to hit the talked-about “re-set” button. Can I ever forget bad decisions? Or more seriously, can I lead a new life just because I believe I WANT to start over?
Each of you will have an opinion of your family members. Some are charming, loud, quiet, thoughtful, selfish, silly, ambitious, lazy, smart and just plain “not smart”! Our family has faced serious health issues, divorce, autism, mental challenges, suicide, financial struggles and so much more. On the good side we can be considered to be ambitious, goal oriented, intelligent, creative, funny, successful financially, good looking, AND, oh my, we could go on and on!
Who you are, and who you become, is entirely up to you! Choices for how you look, where you work, and whom you marry are all decisions for you. I was once engaged to a very nice young man. When my Dad discussed it with me he said this “just remember, you have to live with that decision all your life”. After thinking through my choices, I broke the engagement. I then met Grandpa Jim. We lived for nearly 52 years together. The choices we faced were many. Businesses, houses, children, cars, furniture, food—everything was a choice.
When your grandfather was gone, I faced choices again. Starting over was an option. It was a choice I made. Many circumstances of my life now look like I have truly started over. There is a new, wonderful man in my life. New home, furniture, cars, etc. Here’s what I want you to know, dear children……..there is NO re-set button. We live with our past. Some call it “baggage”. Sometimes we are able to overcome troubling life situations but it will always be with us. Forever. Scars, memories—they are all there. The wonderful memories are there too. Think about your choices and if you will be proud of them tomorrow, or next year!
There is NO re-set button. We just move on. Good memories, regrets, sadness, and joy! We all face them. Reach for the full joy of living a good life. Moral choices, seeking a relationship with your Heavenly Father—that prepares you for the greatest satisfactions in life. Oh well, let me say it: eat right. You’ll feel better too!

The Road Less Traveled…..

Oh, I so relate to Robert Frost as he wrote “the road less traveled….” Tears come to my eyes because I look back “from whence I cometh”. Choices and decisions were made; and definitely it was toward the road less traveled.
To my dearest sons: you are my joy, pride and you both have fulfilled all my motherly expectations. Successful careers, successful marriages and FOUR granddaughters! For what more could I have asked?

Exactly one year ago we lost your Dad. The heartache of watching a strong man die a slow and painful death is almost too much to remember. You were strong with me. For twenty years we saw your Dad face health issues that we were told would take him in two short years. He lasted 20 years. The last year, grueling. There is no other way to describe what he went through. We all put on the face of strength, just like a lot of things that happen in life, and held one another up.

A short couple of months later your Mom took the road less traveled. All advice is to wait a year before entering into any kind of relationship, wait to sell a house, wait until…..who knows what! Your Dad became quite agitated when I told him I was going to sell my car…..he literally shook his finger at me saying “you deserve that car, don’t sell it”. The house was up for sale long before the year passed. However, the big decision came when I met Everett. Twenty days after meeting, we married. June 5 to June 25. This was the road less traveled. Together he and I have looked back and said we should have simply gotten in the car on June 5 and driven straight to Coeur d’ Alene. It was that easy; and it was that right.

I am not defending my actions except to thank you for your patience and support. My kids….all of you; supported and encouraged me. I have always wondered what you really thought of your Mom! Never has it been important to do what others thought right. I traveled my own road, made my own decisions, followed my conscience. The exception was this: I believed in being a wife; a partner to the man to whom I made the promise, ‘til death part us. Looking back on that pathway, I wonder many times what would have happened to each of us had I chosen to separate the family. My heart won’t let me go there because of YOU, my kids.

Today, I want you to know that if I ever questioned God, it was foolish thinking. I am deliriously happy with the man I married. Your Dad and I were truly opposites, while Everett and I are incredibly similar in our personalities, life choices, background, living strategies and goals for tomorrow.

It’s ironic that the anniversary of your Dad’s death this year is the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. I celebrate with you the joys of spring, the hope of eternity, the blessings of everyday life and the precious love we share with one another.
Love, Mom

As a Christian, I have experienced life anew. Even as a child it is easy to remember the day I chose to accept Christ as my Savior. The heavy weight that lifted from my heart when I knew Jesus was God’s son and he had died for me. I could experience life. An abundant life. With the promise of an eternal life when I was finished here on earth.

At 72 years of age, I have experienced an abundant life. It has been filled with the joy of raising children, seeing them to adulthood, and watching their parenting experiences. Challenges have also been present. Some because of choices I made, others “just because”. Some things in life cannot be attributed to anything more than lessons to learn.

I honored a marriage commitment for over 51 years. My children’s father was intelligent, good looking, ambitious, and talented. I admired his accomplishments. For the last twenty years of our marriage his health was challenged. The relationship changed, as I became the caregiver and provider. Others who have experienced this kind of relationship change will understand when I say that my partner “needed” me. Anything that would have challenged the marriage commitment, changed. Reasons for loyalty to the marriage adjust. Responsibilities become primary. Survival, both physically and mentally, is of the utmost importance. When my partner’s life ended, my life ended, as I knew it.

Life Anew: The Sweetest Love Story: Even though I vowed to never marry again, I had second thoughts when a friend of mine suggested it was not wise to stop what God might have for me. After making my list of traits I thought would satisfy my needs (which also included some things on which I could NOT compromise) I laughed at God. I thought He would not be able to ever match me with someone with my narrow guidelines. When I responded to a real estate referral call, I had no idea my future partner would be literally “just around the corner”. I met the client. He, pulling up in his yellow Porsche, me in my sweet Audi TT. I greeted him with “yellow is nice” and his response was “black is ok”. By the time we were half way through the property, we identified the fact we had gone to school together. As we left the house I was so flustered (what was happening?) I had to make the second appointment to view the house. Emails quickly went back and forth. Sharing ideas, goals, and pasts. The first date followed and we knew we were in love, the second date was a marriage proposal, the third date we married. Of course, there were many hours together in between the “dates”. Counseling with our Pastor included the plea of “help us put this all in proper prospective”. Should we wait? What will others think of us? Me; a newly widowed woman, he; divorced years ago.

Every day we thank God for one another. My husband’s list of needs matching mine, we have never doubted that God intended for us to be together. Why now? We don’t have answers, but relish each moment we will have together before God takes us home. A blessing everyday, our joy is full. For both of us; Life Anew.

Once more, a message to my granddaughters.

Oh, how I love control. Make the decision, live with the consequences. If only life was that easy. Circumstances are many times out of our personal control. Maybe because there are millions of people who want to make the decision as to how “things” happen. Sometimes it has worked for me.

For instance, I chose my life partner. I could not, however, make his choices. It was truly a good partnership. Each free to live and love the other. Girls, your Grandfather and I were truly meant to be. We were your Dad’s parents….and then they chose your Mom. AND then you! Each one of you is perfect and lovely. Grandpa and I were always so proud of you. We applauded each achievement. Laughed with and at you! Joy is being a grandparent.

Someday there will be just the right partner for you. Be careful with your choice. It forms who you will become. Life can be cruel. Sometimes the difficulties in our lives are created by our bad decisions. We should seek a life of peace, joy and love. Trauma might be energizing, but it kills the soul. Avoid trauma.

Interruption in our life plan is to be expected. What we strive for, work for and anticipate may not happen the way we would have chosen. I expected to live a long life with your Grandfather—maybe sharing our last breath after a long, fulfilling life. My dear granddaughters, life threw the curve more than 20 years ago when your Grandfather was diagnosed with heart disease, and we had two years to “make the best of” what lied ahead. A heart transplant and twenty years later, we lost him. He got to know each of you. See your lovely faces, and give you many, many hugs! What joy it was for two of you to be able to say good-bye to your Papa and see him respond with a big smile and a wave. That was his last few hours of life.

Why do we need to say this again…………”live, go live”. This was one of your Grandfather’s last messages to us. “Live, go live”. Many times I wanted to sit with him, stay by his side, hold his hand but he chastised with these words: live, go live. It’s true ladies! Life is for the living. Do not look back……go live. We have choices to make, joys ahead, and tasks to accomplish.

I promise you, all four of you, you will see your Grandmother live a full life, knowing I have been blessed with a fulfilling past and charging forward to live, to the best of my ability, a productive, fun, joyful life. Serving others, sharing joy. God is with us, working a plan for each. Go live.

Watch Grandma run……………….

The cards have dwindled to one or two a day. Two baskets are full of sympathy greetings to prove that the mail carried the thoughts and prayers of many friends and acquaintances. The funeral director has been paid, friends have returned to their homes across the miles. The computer programs, codes and pass words accessed to live life again.

It is, indeed, the morning after. My red-headed warrior has gone to be with his Lord and Savior. We talked about him seeing his Dad again. I said “our baby that we never knew—you will get to meet our child before me!” It’s our hope, belief, and faith—all rolled into one last breathe. I held him, stroked his face and head, talked to Jesus, as JR left our presence. My nick name for him, over the years, had been JR. It fit him. Deacon Dan made a comment at the gathering to honor Jim. You know the turn-abouts at various intersections? There’s always the skid marks right up the middle……that’s Jim! So many memories. He believed in forging ahead—regardless of the obstacles. Fifty one years of memories. This is the morning after.

The last few weeks of Jim’s life were grueling. Cancer is ugly, the treatments worse. He never recovered from the radiation or the last chemotherapy. There was never an admission that death was near. In some ways, he was being strong for his family. In other ways, the inability to prepare us was difficult. We couldn’t say what was on our minds, because it was rejected. Here are a few of the words of wisdom that slipped out. I had to grab them, hang on, and capture what he was really telling me.
Because he could not speak, these pearls were written on his tablet app. “Now Linda, you are going to need lots of friends, lots of friends, but that doesn’t mean you have to take your clothes off for them”! “Never, never, never, never give up”! “Live, go live”. After one very frustrating moment, I asked him, “what am I going to do without you”……he replied “you will be a strong and gracious woman”. However the next time that question slipped out he was disturbed with me “you’ll figure it out”!
There were other reminders, such as “live in the house at least a year”, and “you deserve that car, don’t sell it”. When reality hit, finances became an issue….the house and car have to go. In Jim’s last few months he had made poor decisions in the stock market, tried to fix items that he damaged beyond repair, and refused to discuss any of the finances with me. I will never forget one of his typed messages to me near the end “I’ve been a lousy father and husband, will you forgive me”. Of course, I replied. I knew he was reflecting on some of our struggles. Struggles that we came through because we were devoted to one another, loved each other beyond what words could describe, and determined to stay together until death took one of us. And now, it’s the morning after.

He made me laugh, he was my rock. He encouraged me, hounded me, and told me what to do. Much to our dismay, he TRIED to tell me what to do. I watched this big hunk of a man seek God, struggling with answers, and finding his salvation in Jesus Christ. I was privileged to have been the wife of James Richard Miller. And now, it’s the next month………….

Friday. 8:00 p.m. There was a big party. I wasn’t invited. My best friend got his invitation and attended. I have never visited the location, but read about it extensively. I think it sounds just simply fabulous. A place of complete love, peace, and I like to think “lots of glitter”. The celebrating continues and never stops as each attendee arrives. Meeting dear friends, family members, and probably meeting new friends. People of history—some important, some just common folk.

I was brave and never showed my sadness as I watched my partner get ready to go. He went—and the cheering began. It was heaven. Literally. Now I celebrate our 52 years together. I am at peace remaining behind, but know my invitation will come. There will be many miracles along the way—just like the miracles that occurred Friday at 8:00 p.m. March 27, 2015.

Jim. I miss you. I’m sobbing in the shower.

It’s 4:00 in the morning. Your Dad sleeps close by, breathing unevenly and slightly agitated. He has awakened me by stomping on the floor at 1:30—he needed help. I haven’t been able to go back to sleep.

My mind races as to what comes next. The cancer has ravaged his body. Unless God intervenes our time together will be short. I hurt, oh I hurt. I cry when no one watches. When people watch, I am brave. In one moment I feel strong and courageous. Yes, I can do this. Make decisions, take care of our home and cars, go to work, meet people and smile, smile, smile! Most of all I can love you, our children—enough for both of us. In the next moment (when my faith lags a tiny bit) I am vulnerable and frightened. Only when we individually go through the devastation of losing our partner, do we understand the pain.

At this moment, I am feeling guilty for living. I am in good health, carry on daily activities with ease. Because it is obvious I will shortly need to make decisions on my own I try to look to my future. A main concern for me is I don’t want to be a burden to you, my dear sons. How can I prevent this? And, my mind races some more. I feel guilty for thinking about what lies ahead for me. Shouldn’t I be concerned about only today? While your father is still with us? If I think about MY future, am I being unfaithful to my husband of over 51 years?

Now this thought has occurred to me, early in the morning: YOU are losing your father. The only Dad you will ever have. You will never forget him and the memories you share with him will not die, but live on in your hearts. I pray that his life will guide you to a greater understanding of yourself, and God. His struggles and successes belong to all of us. This weekend we have been together, just the four of us. Like old times, you said. My dear sons, nothing is more important to your Dad and me, than YOU. Your families. Dad wrote this on his tablet the other day when I asked if I should stay with him, instead of going to run an errand: LIVE! Go live!

My emotional state is solid as a rock (except when it isn’t)……and I embrace every tear as I mourn for your loss. Mike & Dave….I love you with every breathe I take.

First and foremost, you might ask…..who is Lilly? While driving my youngest granddaughter this last week she suggested that my car should have a name. This is the same little darling that assured me she didn’t want me to die, but when I did, could she have my car! When asked if she had an idea for a name it didn’t take her long to suggest “Lilly”. Why, I so bravely asked. “Well Grandma, a lilly pad is flat, just like your car”!

Lilly is an Audi TT. How I enjoy driving my little Lilly! Black, sophisticated, sleek. Fast. That fact confirmed by written notes from my local police. A car must mirror its owner—or so I fantasize. One thing about any car I have called my own, there are little nooks and crannies for “stuff”. My last Audi had the tell-tale sign of finger nail polish in the cup holder. Creative thinking with acetone and it was clean again. That led to my noticing what is in Lilly’s side pockets. Everything there tells my story.

I am a real estate agent. My life is in my car. Or, appropriately stated; the side pockets. First: hand lotion. I must not waste time at a red light—-time to put on hand lotion. Nail polish: for very long red lights. If I put on the polish on the way to an appointment, it is dry by the time I arrive. No fuss, no mess. Another must have: pens. Lots of pens. For signing documents. It’s the way we Realtors make a living—-having documents signed! Ibuprofen: getting documents signed sometimes creates head pain, hence the need for pain relief. Lip gloss: one must look fresh and dewy all day. In fact, it’s necessary to have several different shades of lip gloss. It always depends on the color of the outfit of the day. Nail file: another red light activity. It’s amazing how easy it is to break a nail showing houses! Anti-bacterial hand wipes. My goodness, the germs are everywhere! An extra pair of glasses—just in case! Even with all the GPS help, Lilly still holds an ambulance guide—so handy for quickly finding directions for a street address. I will always be directionally challenged. Someday I’ll get as quick on my phone, however, I can grab the guide at the red light and not be arrested for texting! Extra paper clips….to hold all those documents together. Perfume samples: there are just those days that a fragrant pick-me-up is all I need to keep going. And of course, held together with a big rubber band….business cards!

That was ONE side pocket. It does not count the napkins, straws, manual, extra house key, mail box key, and CD’s in the glove box. Nor does it include the glass wipes and extra wash cloth in another pocket. What else does Lilly hold for my daily living…..the trunk holds volunteer uniform, umbrella, comfy shoes, piano music for volunteer time at the hospital, and a very organized “office box” of essential desk supplies (staples, white out, scissors, etc.) and “sold” signs.

Ah yes, UNDER the seat. A billfold with extra punch cards, parking passes, coupons and insurance cards. I no longer carry a hand bag and carry only a phone, essential ID and credit cards. Found in all of these places is loose change. A recent effort to put a coin holder in the car is helping all the run-away coins and I’m optimistic about my on-going organizational efforts.

I’m sure there are at least 20 other items in Lilly’s side pockets that aren’t coming to mind. Someday this will be read by my heirs and they will know all about me….just by knowing what’s in Lilly’s side pockets!

And the award goes to…………
With the Oscars in the news, my thoughts went to those people around me that should receive special recognition. As a grandmother I watch the lives of the younger generation and am thrilled at their accomplishments. Even more so today, I am watching a very special mother. She mothers Moira and Alaura. Do these girls know how fortunate they are to have a mom who literally “lives for them”?
Let’s list her accomplishments: cakes….gorgeous, beautiful creations; seamstress…from dresses to quilts; food….tempting, creative homemade meals; fashion…prompting wise clothing selections; time….how does she cram each girls’ schedule into a day; schooling….homeschooling her girls; daddy support….she loves my son! AND this is only a beginning.

When I have been blessed with a visit from our granddaughters, they say wonderful things about their mother. They await her cuddles and hugs. These girls love their mother, unconditionally.

I admire my daughter-in-law. She’s an artist and interior designer. Encourager, goal setter, and driver (literally!). She loves a good laugh. Like all of us, she has her struggles and faces them each and every day. I know, without a doubt, that Jen will achieve her life goals. Most importantly, we all love her! Her father-in-law and mother-in-law are thrilled she is a part of our family!

To My Valentine
I have discovered that one plus one makes ONE! About 52 years ago I met a tall, red headed, handsome fellow. ONE special guy! Even though I was single, it had only been a month since breaking an engagement with another fellow. I was ONE available gal. From the moment my red head and I met, we were ONE!
My dear Valentine………today we face the unbearable news that we will be separated by your death. Unless God intervenes, our time is short. There are no words that express my innermost feelings today. Looking back on 52 years of Valentine’s days, there was not one time you forgot to say “I love you”. All of the frustrating happenings in our marriage are now gone by the wayside. We have grown old together, faced difficult challenges, surviving only to be stronger. Our faith has grown, our love has endured and grown, and we have become ONE.
On February 13th we sat with a doctor who gave us devastating news. Choices of treatments that offered little or no hope, or services of those helping us prepare for your last days here on earth. Friday, February 13th. You Dad died on February 13th, your Step-Dad died on February 13th.We laughingly suggested you should not choose February 13th as your parting day! We made it to February 14th, 2015. Such a small accomplishment, with huge undertones for both of our sons!
You are my Valentine, once again. We talk, laugh, argue and make plans. Together we have succeeded in businesses, travelled, cared for children and grandchildren, renovated houses, moved too many times to count, driven a variety of cars, and laughed some more. Because you cannot speak now, your skill as a “mime” has made me laugh more. I love to laugh, you love to make me laugh. What a team!
We are ONE. Someday, half of me will be gone. Now I question how I can live “half a life”. Of course, there are the daily reminders….who will fix my computer, cook my meals, reach the top shelf, put oil in my car, handle my finances or listen to me whine about my aching joints? Most of all, how will I walk into our home from a busy day and not share what a crazy world it is out there? You have given me security and encouragement to be ME! The world sees me strong, only because you are behind me every minute, day and night. We are ONE.
Today is all we have. Happy Valentine’s to my lover, husband, confidante, and best friend. I love you.