New Year’s Day, 2019

The original “slide into seventy” is now a slide into eighty. This is what it feels like:

There are thoughts and emotions that don’t occur when one is young. (Young, meaning there are many expected  years ahead.) I don’t feel old, until I catch an unanticipated sight of myself in a mirror. It’s a different face.  Lines, drooping eyelids, slight sadness to my face. Who is this person?

There is a tendency now to look back at my life. I want to focus on a future….what can I achieve today or tomorrow, but  sometimes it takes a strong determination to keep my brain moving in the right direction. I am proud of who I have been, and what I have become. I am strong.  I believe I am strong because of a faith in my Creator. I believe He cares for me, and wants me to be with Him eternally. With that mindset, I can face anything in life. I see my weaknesses clearly. Sometimes I fail to see the needs of those around me. That bothers me. I can be abrupt, harsh, and too outspoken. It is sometimes hurtful. I am working on being kind, thoughtful, and caring.

I hesitate to use the word “fear”. There are lurking fears, however. When any fear arises, I make a purposeful attempt at understanding my faith, once again. God is with me. Understands me, and wants what is best for me. But I am human. I don’t want to get old, lose my memory (like my own mother), or lose my family. My children, and their children, make my heart sing. I love them with every ounce of my being. I loved my children’s father. I love my husband. I have many friends from  church, clubs, my profession, neighbors, etc.  If I should lose any one of these people, I would be hurt.

I wish (in hindsight)

….there had been more conversations with my own parents regarding their thoughts as they aged.

….there had been more touching as I grew up; i.e., hugs, hand holding, closeness.

….there could have been more understanding  in my marriage to my children’s father.

….I had been stronger as a young woman…..stating my beliefs and abiding by them.

I NOW want:

…..to really know my children and be able to communicate with them.  (this includes step-children).

…..to be an example of living wisely.

…..to be a blessing to those around me. (with a special emphasis on my husband!)

…..to share my talents (music, art, etc.)

…..AND to remember where in the heck I put stuff! This idea of setting something down and not remembering is troublesome, to say the least. I do not multi-task like I used to. Lord help me!