Tag Archives: faith

Who Am I? Another year of asking the same question…..

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I have re-read some of my posts regarding this same subject. Here is what I jotted down this morning and it was surprisingly similar to last year! NEW GOAL: Find new goals!!

It must be the “aging” process. Frequently I find myself reassessing my actions, and those actions of the past. Reading is a big part of my life and the subject most frequently chosen is about forgiving, or fear. Maybe that is indicative of my mental state.

I know my children are assessing my actions. It’s a normal thought process for children to be “watching Mom’s behavior”. Is she going down hill mentally? Did she forget something? Was her conversation showing signs of forgetfulness? I get it. I did the same thing with my own parents. However, it doesn’t make reality any easier. I have suddenly decided that getting old is NOT fun. So, the real question is: how do I gracefully attack old age? AND: Who Am I?

First decision: Always look good. I just might fool someone! That goal has sometimes been shattered when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror—or a picture was snapped when I hadn’t posed properly. Wrinkles, fat rolls, an unattractive frown. But I must keep trying!
Second decision: Eat healthy. I fail so frequently. In spite of all good intentions, sugar beckons me. A new goal: no, it’s not new. It’s today’s goal. I read about the effects of eating foods with good nutrition and it might stave off memory problems. Yes, that’s today’s goal. Get smart woman!

Third decision: Stay active physically. Let me say right here….this body does not WANT to move. I need to wiggle, stretch, walk, and breathe. I know what needs to be done to stay alive and vibrant. I know! This is why rich folk hire personal trainers. But, because I’m NOT rich, I must “pull up my big girl panties” and get with the program.

Fourth decision: Quit beating myself up for my past. This one cripples my thinking. I am learning how to train my brain. I read, comprehend, and pray fervently. I am getting there. Let me explain: I know who I am based on my response to my partner. My children’s father was intelligent and a wonderful challenge for me. I became strong. Conflict was our MO. My partner today is kind, compassionate, giving, and goal oriented. Disciplined. I am a totally different person with each of them. That’s why I am now asking “who are you, woman”? Each partner has brought out something entirely different in me. Guess what? I like both of me. I have just now come to that decision. I “was” and now I “am”.

Final Decision: I like me. AND I like who I was. I have no reason to beat myself up. I responded the way I knew how.

Today: My faith sustains me. I am getting old, I lose words in a conversation, my bones ache some days, but I choose to continue to live and love. Message to my children: it’s ok to be honest with me when I fail. But it’s not ok to ignore me, forget me, or shame me. I have a responsibility to you, and it’s to be an example of “how to age”….because you’re getting there too! Not that far behind me. Oh joy!!

Grieving

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Recently I had lunch with a dear friend. She and I not only went to high school together, we became roommates when we entered the working world. As we chatted over lunch, she reminded me that she was also in my wedding. That was 50 years ago. How time flies. For both of us, the situations of our lives have been complex. Perhaps that is true of anyone, if only we knew!

 

We saw one another marry, have children, care for parents, etc…….not usually first hand, but we kept in touch. Now, at our stage of life, we find joy in visiting and sharing a delightful friendship. We spoke of her mother’s death and how painful it still is for her to think of the many happenings that were not shared. A death in a person’s 40’s is indeed painful for all the family. Jim’s dad passed away in his 40’s, and to this day he cries when he speaks of his father. My friend did the same. Then she asked me an important question: “don’t you grieve for your father”? I really had to think about my answer.

 

An untimely death is hard to understand. Maybe it’s hard to distinguish between “timely” and “untimely”. Jim and I will sometimes talk of how difficult it would be to lose one of our kids, whether son or daughter-in-law. Worse yet, what if we lost one of our granddaughters. The pain is almost unbearable even when it’s not a reality. But I wanted to question myself regarding grieving.

 

The dictionary says that grieving is deep sorrow, lamenting, weeping; implying deep mental suffering. Do I grieve for my parents’ death? No. I have no regrets. I loved my parents, we shared a full lifetime. They were good to me and encouraged me every step of the way. I grieved when my mother could no longer carry on a conversation with me because of Altzeimers. When she passed away I could celebrate who she had been before the disease. Dad was able to have a conversation with me nearly until he died at 92. He was ready to go. He shook his finger at me and said “now don’t you cry when I’m gone”. Is that why I don’t grieve? Perhaps. I was relieved for his sake when he went to his eternity.

 

Here’s my summary: grieving appears to be a selfish emotion. I might be sad and sorrowful over any event in life. But the bottom line is this: if I have a faith, and believe that those I love will live eternally with God, I cannot grieve. It is selfish of me. While I remain here on earth I am to do what God has called me to do. I must practice using God given skills until I can no longer function. I cannot change reality. Momentary sadness is normal—but tomorrow has responsibilities and grieving stops my ability to function. No, I don’t grieve. Either I have faith, or I don’t!  And….that’s another posting……